Sex Ed Myths, Corrected
Parents have many reasons they think they can not provide sexuality and relationship education to their children. Many parents unknowingly perpetuate these myths. Let’s look at these myths and some concerns parents have discussed with us, and discuss the facts.
*If you have a concern that is not covered below, we would be more than happy to help you with that. Please email us about your concern, or book a Sex Positive Parent Coaching Session to discuss further. and get personalized guidance.
“I had a conversation with my children about sex, I don’t need to keep talking about it“.
‘The Talk’ is an ongoing series of conversations that build on each other, are age appropriate, and encourage our child(ren) to make healthy decisions for themselves throughout their lives.
“Sex is only when a penis enters a vagina“.
We at Alphabet Soup define sex as being any activity participated in for the purpose of arousal. Arousal can happen suddenly and unintentionally, the same way arousal doesn’t occur when the intention is there. We like to clarify that there is some intent for arousal to occur and not focus on whether or not it does occur.
Sex can be: vaginal or anal penetration from a penis, finger, or sex toy; oral stimulation on a vulva, penis, anus, or breasts; manual or digital stimulation to a vulva, penis, anus, or breasts; “dry humping”; “making out”; kissing; sexting; and more.
“Parents can’t teach sex ed to children of a different sex, we have different bodies“.
Parents are constantly teaching their children about sex. If we aren’t actively teaching them, we might be teaching them shame and fear through our silence. No matter the sex of the parent(s) and the child(ren), children deserve a safe place to learn about sexuality and relationships.
“Sex ed is gender specific, I can’t teach my son and daughter the same information“.
No matter the sex or gander of a child, they all deserve the same quality and content in the sexuality and relationship education they receive.
“They will learn sex ed in school“.
Especially in America (where Alphabet Soup practices), the vast majority of states do not regulate sex education to be even good enough.
It is important that parents start these conversations, and get involved with the school to know what they are teaching.
“The only risk to sex is pregnancy“.
There are risks of pregnancy if people are participating in penis-in-vagina penetration, and both sperm and eggs are available. There are ways to lower this risk; such as contraception and barriers!
Other risks include STIs – which barriers, treatment, and communication can all help lower the risk of transmission -. There are also physical and emotional risks, which can be limited with proper education, communication, lubrication, and body awareness.
“STIs are only transmitted from anal and vaginal intercourse“.
Most STIs are transmitted through bodily fluids; blood, semen, vaginal fluids, breast milk, and saliva.
Some STIs can be transmitted through skin to skin contact.
“STIs are obvious and always visible“.
Many STIs can be asymptomatic for long periods of times. Some STIs can be fought off by the body without us ever knowing we had the STI in the first place.
This idea stems from the fear based sex ed many adults received while growing up. This fear was instilled by showing us graphics of the worst cases of untreated STIs.
“Sex always hurts the first time“.
Pain during sex is a sign that something is not quite right, and not a necessary part of sexual activity. With enough communication, preparation, and lubrication, there is no need for pain.
Pain is not always a cause for concern, but it is always something we should listen to and assess for ourselves.
“Sex is love“.
Love is a feeling, not an act. Sex is an act, not a feeling.
Sex can happen without love. Love can happen without sex.
Anyone trying to use love as an excuse for sex is practicing coercion, and sex can no longer be consented to at that time.
“Teaching children about sex will encourage them to participate“.
Studies have shown that children and teens who received proper sexuality and relationship education postpone their first sexual experiences until they feel ready for the responsibility of being sexually active.
“It’s too late to start talking to my children“.
While roughly 40% of parents wait to start discussing sex and relationships until their children are already sexually active, those children can learn so much from conversations.
Being sexually active does not make someone an expert, nor does it mean they have been fully equipped for the responsibility of being sexually active.
You have been teaching your children all along, either through your discussions, or through your silence. It is never too late to change the narrative.
“My children are too young for sex talks“.
Our founder argues that sexuality and relationship education starts at birth and builds for the rest of our lives. Starting with anatomy, body autonomy, and consent, we create a strong foundation to continue education our children as they grow and develop.
For more on this, please look at our Age Appropriate Guide.
“‘The Talk’ is awkward and feels weird as a parent“.
These conversations are only as awkward as we make them, and it is okay if they feel awkward. Here are a couple tips on helping change this narrative.
Look for “teachable moments” to help the conversation feel more natural.
Have these conversations during a regular commute. This helps with awkward feelings as there is no eye contact, and everyone can focus elsewhere. Agreeing that the conversation ends upon reaching our destination helps to put a time limit, so children do not feel “trapped” to the conversation forever.
Start with small discussions, using real life situations; the radio, an audiobook, their experiences they’ve shared, etc.
“I would feel bad if my children got an STI, because I didn’t educate them properly“.
Simple answer, let's educate ourselves alongside our children. Some good information is far better than no information. Keep talking and keep learning, together. We parents do not have to know everything!
Remember that many STIs are curable, and with proper care, all STIs are treatable.
“I told them they can always ask me anything, they haven’t asked me yet“.
These is great, but what foundation have we built for them to believe that they can come to us? Saying this without starting these conversations, building a foundation, and clearly showing them we will respond and not react, leaves them in a flood of uncertainty.
They need something to base this off of before they will start coming to us with anything big and scary – even the things that may not be all that big and scary to us parents.
“They will come to me when they are ready“.
What have we provide our children to demonstrate to them that we will help them get the answers to their questions, not shame them, and continue to support their growth and development as individuals?
If we do not create that safety net, even just admitting when we don’t know something and coming back later after researching (or researching together), we can not expect them to think we are trustworthy, knowledgeable, and safe. We have to create that foundation first!
“I don’t want to ruin their innocence“.
This is often seeded in the fear that educating our children is the same as giving them permission. In reality, education our children empowers them to be autonomous individuals as the grow and develop. This can also stem from some unpacked things us parents are holding on to.
Please remember that knowledge is power! Sex ed is a basic human right. There is no wrong time to start these conversations, so long as we start having them. Alphabet Soup is here to help you provide your children with the best sexuality and relationship education. You are not alone!